OK, I'm an American (going by how many people ask me if I'm Canadian, more than a few of my compatriots are not being honest about their origin, I know I don't have a Canadian accent!). I've enjoyed my short stay in the UK, I like cask ale and Sunday roast when I can afford it, I like Polish and Indian food and brie at 99p a wedge, I like trains running every half hour nearly everywhere and the creaky and charming tube system, and nearly all the people have been exceedingly friendly and helpful, even the drunk one who grabbed me and hollered in my face "GEORGE BUSH IS A TOSSER! YOU KNOW HE's A BLEEDING TOSSER!" (my reply was, "Tosser? Hell, he's a f**king a**hole!", which apparently was the correct answer and earned me two free pints of beer). Of course I've seen the other angle as well: a government and football team that  would actually improve by following the Chicago Cubs' management model, the crazed eccentric landladies, trying to sustain myself at US prices with an endless parade of curry takeaway specials and Iceland frozen entrees, and blithering idiots delaying transport for miles around by trying to off themselves by driving or jumping in front of speeding trains (the same train would take them to Beachy Head where they could do a proper job of it).

Some Americans who are afraid of exposing their ignorance have asked me questions about the UK, which I endeavor here to answer.

Q. What's the difference between a doner and a kebab?
A. One is roasted vertically, the other horizontally. The angle at which one does one's spit-roasting doesn't really affect how much you enjoy it. Just ask some Man U players if you have any doubts about that.

Q. British city drivers mostly appear to be obeying the speed limits, but when I try to cross the street, they won't stop or even slow down, what gives?
A. There's more points deducted from one's licence for speeding than for exterminating tourists.

Q. The British often allow parking on very narrow streets where it shouldn't be allowed, yet other very wide streets have double-yellow lines that indicate no parking! Why is that?
A. There are two purposes to British parking laws: First, to confuse tourists (I believe there is a entire secret government department devoted to inventing demonic ways to confuse tourists). Second, to keep thousands of parking attendants out of employment-service queues where they might displace immigrants from productive jobs.

Q. Everywhere I go in Britain, even in the middle of winter, shop doors are left wide open and people are running around without hats! Do they all want to contract pneumonia or something?
A. The British have very little perception of cold. This genetic tendency resulted in some poor preparation and minor complications during certain British Antarctic expeditions.

Q. Could someone PLEASE put a heater in the loo?
A. If they did, your bum might sweat and you'd slide off the toilet. Also, they are hoping you might freeze your bum to the lid and have to call the fire brigade, which would be a good laugh.

Q. In Homer Simpson's Christmas message to the UK, he says "Bring me a beer... and make it COLD one!" Is it really that difficult to find cold beer in the UK?
A. Apparently no one ever invited Homer to a Wetherspoons.

Q. What's with the dimpled glass panes?
A. It's an attempt to mimic "crown glass", a type of plate glass made in the 18th century. Seeing this charming faux-Georgian adornment is generally a pretty good indication that you are looking a a pre-fab building constructed after 1985.

Q. What's an OAP?
A. Well, if you saw them in a good piss-up, you'd be forgiven if you thought it meant "Ogres And Paedophiles".

Q. What do you call a trollop pushing a trolley?
A. A trolleypop?

Q. Very funny. Why are British toilets so damn loud? I don't want to wake up the landlady at 2AM after a pub crawl.
A. There's a method to this madness.. Urea is a great plant fertilizer.

Q. What's the most profitable company in the UK brewing industry?
A. Armitage Shanks.

Q. What does "Am I bovvered" mean?
A. This is from Olde Englisc "bovus" for cattle. The phrase means "Do I look like just (bleep)ed a cow?".

Q. The UK already has the highest booze and tobacco prices in Europe, why does anyone think raising prices again is going to stop people from smoking and boozing?
A. They don't. More likely, some MP's have their pension funds invested in P&O, Eurostar, and off-licences in Calais.

Q. Why do patrons in pub restrooms always ask for Lou Rawls?
A. Lou's dulcet tones have been proven to help relax mental and physical impediments to urination. So if the sound system is out you'll hear patrons ask why there's no Lou Rawls in the gents.

Q. Where are the hedgehogs?
A. The hedgehogs were wiped out by an overpopulation of foxes. Apparently someone took a scientific opinion poll of foxes and discovered that the foxes preferred being starved to death on a diet of hedgehogs and stringy free-range hens, and being pulverized by speeding lorries, as opposed to an honourable death by being chased by dogs or shot in the arse by farmers.

Q. How do you order beer in a British pub?
A. "Pani, Pani, pivo, proscze!"

Q. Do any British people sing karoake on key?
A. That's a rhetorical question, and you know it.